MYSD 2

2003-08-01T20:06:00.000-04:00

Just Call Me Job

I'm pretty bright. I pick up on things really quickly. It all gets short circuited when I don't think things through.

Last night I was to return to Normal, Illinois:

6:00PM bids farewell to mother and dog gets into Gary "the worlds sexiest Chevy Blazer" and heads north.

6:25PM wonders if stopping at an AMT is a good idea since no cash is on hand.

6:27PM thinks better of it, stopping only wastes time, and all gas stations accept plastic.

7:19PM exits state of Kentucky

7:40PM stops in Milan, Indiana for gas, card declined at pump.

7:41PM blames declination of card on "backwards hick town gas pumps"

7:44PM remembers ten dollar bill in overnight bag.

7:48PM purchases ten dollars worth of gas
--------------------------------------------------------TIME CHANGE--------EST is now CST----------------------------------------
9:20PM arrives in Indianapolis, Indiana and notices depletion of fuel, stops at service station confident card will work.

9:22PM card is declined

9:23PM thinks quietly to self about writing a check.

9:26PM is told by cashier out of town checks are not permitted

9:27PM attempts to persuade her with phrases like "come on" and "just this once"

9:28PM fails to charm Patty "Queen of the Petrol", leaves dejected.

9:29PM thinks about how this problem can be fixed.

9:40 decides to step back from the problem of no gas/ no money and walks around discount superstore to stimulate an idea

10:10PM drives on empty to six gas stations hoping one will accept a check from Kentucky.

10:55PM all attempts fail.

11:00PM calls parents for help.

11:16PM is instructed to find a Western Union

11:38PM finds Western Union

11:39PM finds out Western Union has closed nine minuets ago.

11:49PM is told by parents that they will come to the rescue and can be there in two and a half hours.

11:50PM tells parents no, really wants to tell them yes.

12:13AM parks at service station which is now closed, climbs in back seat, tries to sleep.

12:56AM woke by police officer who offers reminder that Vagrancy is a crime in Indiana.

2:50AM thinks that the 1-800 on the back of the card might be of some help

2:53AM is informed by condescending robot voice that these are not regular business hours.

3:15AM calls number again out of boredom.

3:19AM gets same response this time with a robot giggle at the end.

4:02AM performs entire dialogue from Star Wars Episode Four: A New Hope.

4:50 takes a bow

5:37AM night gives way to the friskalating Dawn light.

5:53AM mother calls to check on her brave little fireman.

6:01AM the customer service "regular business day" begins.

6:06AM speaks with Daren, customer service representative, explains problem.

6:07AM hears Daren make six keystrokes and then say "okay. You’re all set. You can use your card now"

6:07AM upon hearing how easy that was, almost strokes out.

6:08 pools enough strength to say, "thank you" instead of other phrases that end in "you"

6:10 fills up tank

6:19 buys everyone in the store the soft drink of their choice

6:28 begins 200 mile trek to apartment.

10:15AM Arrives in Bloomington-Normal.

10:25AM Showers, puts on "work clothes".

10:33AM Staggers into work.
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Lets do the math:

Optimal results.
Total trip:
359 miles
At average speed of 70mph. = around five and one half hours.

My results:
Total trip:
359 miles / 17 hours = around 21 miles an hour.

I'm worn out...please send cookies.
Also, thanks mom and dad.

2003-07-25T19:37:00.000-04:00

As Promised

I promised a couple of people I would go public with these...

Mike Tyson's Psychological Evaluation

and the events of William Shatners wifes death:

Nerine Kidd / Mrs. William Shatner

Nerine and William had met in 1994, on the set of Kung Fu - The Legend Continues. Tell me it wasn't doomed from the start. They were married in November of 1997, with Leonard Nimoy as best man. Their wedding was postponed because Nerine had been busted for drunk driving.

It sounds like their marriage was turbulent, at best. A month before their first anniversary, William filed for divorce, and asked the judge not to award alimony. After that, Nerine checked into the Betty Ford clinic. She didn't respond to the lawsuit - and it went no further. They had reconciled in recent months.

Alcohol continued to plague the relationship.

On May 31st, Nerine checked in to detox at St. John's Health Center, in Santa Monica. She was in room 482. It sounds like she had been on a marathon drinking session over Memorial Day. Shatner gave her an ultimatum. Give it up, or give us up.

He allegedly demanded a divorce from his troubled wife, the night before she drowned.

The story I've managed to glean from the papers is that Shatner arrived at their Studio City home around 10:15 p.m. on Monday August 9th, 1999. He and his wife lived on Berry Drive, at number 3674. He found Nerine naked and motionless at the bottom of their swimming pool. He freaks and calls 911. Here's the transcript:

"Oh my God!" Shatner yells to the dispatcher.

"What's your problem there, sir?" the dispatcher replies.

Shatner: "My wife's at the bottom of the pool!"

Dispatcher: "OK, did you get her out of the pool yet, sir?"

Shatner: "No, not yet."

Dispatcher: "I want you to take her out of the pool right now."

Shatner: She's at the very deep end!

Dispatcher: "Ok sir. If you can, grab something and get her out of the pool. Sir. Sir. Right away, get your wife out of the pool."

Shatner: "Ok."

Dispatcher: "Don't hang up the phone. (Shatner hangs up.) Hello?"

Shatner later reported to the police that he jumped into the sky blue mosaic tiled pool, and pulled his wife up on the deck, but was unable to revive her. He was criticized later for not immediately getting her out of the pool, but calling 911 instead. Since he hosted the popular television show Rescue 911 for many years, people expected more from him. My guess is that he was paid to read a script in front of a camera - he didn't need to pay attention to what the show was about. That's my guess.

At 10:30pm, paramedics arrived at the house. They found Mrs. Shatner on the side of the pool. They attempted to resuscitate her, but were unsuccessful. She was 40 years old.

Friends and relatives were shocked, especially because Nerine was a strong swimmer.

The next day, Shatner held a press conference in his driveway. "My beautiful wife is dead. She meant everything to me. He laughter, her tears and her joy will remain with me the rest of my life."

An autopsy was performed on Wednesday. There were no signs of trauma to her body and no evidence that her death was a suicide or foul play.

A very weird aside story - at about 2 a.m. on Wednesday morning, a reporter from The Star, a tabloid newspaper, was nosing around the property. He tried to get an interview with police at the scene, and they weren't cooperating. He gets in a hissy, and STABS a policeman with a ballpoint pen TWICE in his right hand. Very bizarre. The reporter was arrested - but released on bail. He was charged with one count of battery on a police officer causing injury, a felony that carries a maximum three-year prison sentence.

!

2003-07-19T10:02:00.000-04:00

Easy Bake Coven

Mica B. and I were running around yesterday. We went to the thrift store where I bought a wicked cool t-shirt from the Citadel, and a necklace. Then we went to the mall, a monument to consumerism in its most grotesque form. When we saw a new kiosk had been place near the cookie stand. As we got closer we saw it was one of those cheesy magic shops. Now if you know me, you KNOW how I feel about magic. Unless you're David Blaine(who obviously sold his soul to the devil in exchange for becoming the pimpist magician ever) don't do magic, you look like a fruit. It's stupid, and a waist of my time. This Goth chick that works there sees us approach and before we could flee said:
"Hey, have you seen this?"
Now, in her hand she is moving a glowing red dot back and forth from hand to hand and then making it disappear. I, obviously uninterested start to look away; and then she implores again:
"Have you seen this?"
I said,
"What? A red LED light, I've got one on my key chain"
Annoyed she then replied,
"No, it's magic"
Mica chimed in with,
"It’s amazing what you can do with a pocket these days"
At this point she realizes that we're not going to pay fourteen bucks for something we could get for eighteen cents at Radio Shack. Goth Chicks are so cute.

2003-07-18T11:09:00.000-04:00

Blue grass

I've finished week Numero Three in Normal, Illinois. I know I haven't been posting much but I'm sure you understand.

Bleeding from the ears

This young lady came into the clinic yesterday for some treatment. When it's an acute injury I always like to have someone else take a look at it so I don't miss something.
The only person available was Captain K, so I go to his office to review her chart with him, when I noticed that she was formerly employed by the good people at Steak N' Shake. We ran to the exam room and began grilling her about the chili and its origins. The conversation went like this:

MC: did you make the chili?
Cap'n: What's in it?
MC: How much do you make at a time?
Cap'n: Do you keep it a couple of days or is it a fresh batch each time?

*He then looks down at the paperwork and without breaking stride said, *

Cap'n: so, you're bleeding from the ears?

2003-07-12T17:17:00.000-04:00

Jo Lo

Don't know to the words to J Lo's waiting for tonite? Visit My Poem Page to learn more
Rhymes For The House

2003-07-12T16:04:00.000-04:00

The Altitude Must Be Getting To Me...

Answers to questions

MC? I saw your Kurt Warner Pic's are you connected with any other "celebs"? Karen Patterson- St. Lawrence, Minnesota

Karen, that all depends on your definition of celebrity. I recently met John Ritter he really didn't like me, but I liked him.

The only famous people from Lexington are Jim Varney
and The Macho Man Randy savage neither of whom I have met. My girlfriend kind of resembles Katherine Hepburn does that count?

2003-07-11T12:45:00.000-04:00

Illinois so far...

Captain K and I were looking for a fresh start. Holding ground in these lawless times just got harder and harder, so we traveled west to find our fortunes.

When we arrived out west we were reunited with our old friend from Georgia "Doc". Doc has suffered from Tuberculosis and he thought that the dry climate would ease his suffering. After settling in, we noticed that the problems of the East had followed us and that this sleepy little town needed some order restored. So we swore in as deputies and had a couple of run-ins with this gang of outlaws called the "Cowboys"....

No, that's not right. That's the plot from the movie "Tombstone"

Um there was a tornado that was pretty exciting.

Later,
MC

2003-07-08T22:45:00.000-04:00

Tornado Alley McBeal

Today at lunch time the weather was warm and sunny, without a cloud in the sky. Then the afternoon turned ugly. The sky darkened and the wind howled the radio interrupted its schedule of the finest soft rock hits of the eighties to make an announcement. The deejay warned the residents of McLean County to take shelter immediately, because a tornado was quickly approaching.

“That must suck for McLean County,” I said after the announcement concluded.

“You’re in McLean County,” said a voice from the clinic.

I turned a quick eye to Captain K to see if it was true, it was. The good Captain and I are both Kentucky natives, and weather like this does not happen, ever. The locals explained that they see this kind of storm constantly from March to October and that we shouldn’t be worried. Then the lights in the plant flickered and a siren sounded followed by a voice speaking first in English then Japanese telling us to move to our designated shelter. I looked at my watch saw it was quitting’ time and resolved myself to ride it out at home in front of the TV. Before I could gather my things and leave I was told by a fellow clinician, that during emergency procedures the plant locks down and nobody can get in or out. Upon hearing this I was thrown into a primal state of panic. I quickly devised a plan where Cap’n and I would commandeer the two “milestone” cars in the lobby (The milestone cars are the first “Eclipse” produced and the one millionth “Eclipse Spyder”) The plan went like this: I would take the wheel of the original Eclipse and crash it through the window of the lobby, Cap’n would follow through the hole in the wall driving Spyder.

After this plan was devised I realized that the tornado was out there, why was I trying so hard to get outside? I decided that if it was going to kill me it would have to come get me inside the plant.

I’m glad to say that the “lock down” was lifted soon after, no one was hurt and no cars were stolen.
The only casualty was the Steak N’ Shake billboard on our street.

Vio Con Dios Brave Billboard,

MC

2003-07-06T16:22:00.000-04:00

Scent and Scentablity

When people go missing they bring in dogs to locate them by scent. Everyone has their own unique "smell", they give an article of clothing worn by the missing person to a trained dog and he locates them trough the densest of foliage.

It always bothered me that I could smell other peoples scent, but not my own. I wondered if it was a repulsive smell.

Yesterday I packed up 'Gary" The worlds sexiest Chevy Blazer with all my belongings for the big move to Illinois. I went into my parents house for about a hour then went back out to get a compact disc so I could listen to something while I balanced my checkbook. When I opened the door to "Gary" I was overcome with this horrible "goaty" stench. I was on the lawn dry heaving and rolling on the grass. Then I thought...all that stuff is mine...that must be "my smell". I was horrified. I quickly ran inside and took a shower. I then learned that no shower despite the temperature or duration could ever make me feel clean again.

I smell,
MC

2003-07-05T17:56:00.000-04:00

this was too funny to pass up

Sassmouth

I have nothing to say. Now I know what Hemingwaymust have felt like. I'm going back to Normal, Illinois tomorrow, that's something. Uh...what else?...um...nope, I got nothing.

Hemingway has these cats that run around his estate in Key West that have six toes on each paw. My friend Gabby and I have plans to steal one, I have my eye on an Orange Tabby named Pablo Picasso.

I first became interested in "Papa" after an excerpt from Islands in the Stream appeared in my tenth grade Lit. Book. He showed you could be intelligent, cultured, and artistic without sacrificing masculinity. At that time in my development popular opinion was you were either ignorant of everything and manly, or well rounded and a girl. It was cool not to know things.

I devoured every word the man jotted down. If he would have wrote something on a bar napkin (and I'm sure he did) I would have read it.
Here are my favorites

I'll have something to post about tomorrow...thanks for understanding.

2003-07-04T13:14:00.000-04:00

The Weary Business Traveler

I'm back in the bluegrass state for the weekend.

Here is something you might not know:

Sixty percent of the visitors to this site are from the United Kingdom; I don't know why they just are. You know how David Hasselhoff is really popular in Germany, I'm that way in Great Britain. The royal family are also big fans, I get at least seven hits a day from "slave2camilla2987".

Night Grinder

I carry all my tension in my jaw. Grinding my teeth as I sleep is a good indication that I'm under a little stress. For the last two nights I've worn my right rear molar down to the nerve, and resorted to pray for the sweet release of death last night. I was told to get a Bite Guard but I can't stand those things in my mouth. When I played hockey I would roll up some scotch tape and put that in my mouth, from a distance the officials would see I had something plastic between my teeth and assume it was mouth protection. Another problem is that I'm a mouth breather when I sleep, so suffocation is a risk I'm not looking into. My only other reasonable option taking 1400 Milligrams ofVicodin twice daily.

Dr.'s please scan and email your prescriptions to mysd13@yahoo.com

Thanks,
MC

2003-07-03T19:06:00.000-04:00

The Rule

Okay, you people have forced me to do this.

I have been forced to put the pen to the pad and document once and for all the rule that should go unsaid.

If you're in a relationship with someone you will learn to recognize the sound of their voice on the phone. And the longer you're together it becomes less and less necessary to state your name at the beginning of conversations. "It's me" is the easiest way to identify yourself.

Pay Attention Here, This Is Key

After the relationship ends and the two of you are no longer together, you forfeit your rights to say, "it's me" on telephones, answering machines and the like. You must identify yourself clearly. If the union dissolved less than six months ago you may use the first name only, if more than six months both first and last names are required. When you end a relationship you are no longer that persons' "me" and by all accounts that person might have a new "me" in their life.

Your immediate observance of this new law is imperative to our survival as a people

2003-07-03T17:29:00.000-04:00

Normal, Illinois

So, I spent my first week in Normal. It's not bad, they have aSteak N' Shake on every other corner, and a zoo that took Captain K and I two days to find. They don't have a Starbuck's but I'm sure I can survive.
Cap'n and I were on the run most of the time and couldn't cook at home so we dined out most of the week, we ate the obligatory meals at Steak N' Shake but the other night we stumbled across a little Jewel, Diamond Dave's Taco Factory It's a little dive where really pretty, but heavily tattooed waitress' serve you moderately priced Mexican food and drink.

I figure by now you must be asking:
MC? Did anything happen up there that isn't food related?
My answer to you is, yes. On the First day of work I overheard a conversation between two ladies in the Physical Therapy department, they kept saying the name "Kurt Warner" I butted in and said:
"Kurt Warner? Quarterback for the St. Louis Rams, Kurt Warner?"

Then Robin the Occupational Therapist went on to tell me that she had dated the Super Bowl MVP in high school and had been his prom date.
"Lies...all lies,” I stated.

She then told me she would bring in photos of the prom in question...And I'm glad to report that she was telling the truth. Right there in living color was picture of a young Kurt Warner with his whole life, and forty-two million dollars in his future. I am pleased to tell you that I have placed this photo on the web for all to enjoy. Click Here

2003-06-30T20:48:00.000-04:00

First Midwestern Post

I've arrived safely in America's heartland. They like their corn up here, and being from Kentucky makes me exotic to the locals. Other than that it's like Lexington. Work was good, it helps that it's exactly like my job back home. And my apartment is more than I could ever hoped for, there won't be much furniture until next week so the place looks huge for now. Going to bed was kinda hard last night because I was figuring out how long it will be until I see loved ones again. My morale dipped a little, but I was tired and sleep came soon. All was well this morning with the excitement my first day. Captain K (the only person I know within 350 miles) could tell I was a touch homesick, to comfort me he kept reminding me I have a six month commitment here. Thanks buddy.

Corn fo miles,
MC

2003-06-26T19:52:00.000-04:00

Click Here To See The Damage Done By The Hand Of Lennox Lewis The Heavyweight Champion Of The World

2003-06-25T11:49:00.000-04:00

New Feature

Please sign the "guestmap", the link is to your right.
Thanks,
MC

2003-06-24T15:21:00.000-04:00

Chicks Don't Like Boxing

Sunday night I was getting cozy on the sofa with a young lady when I had the feeling I
was forgetting something. Then I looked at my watch and saw it was ten of ten and like a ton of bricks it hit me, tonight is the heavyweight championship, Lennox Lewis and Vitali Klitschko. I looked at my companion and said,
"I'm kind of a big boxing fan, and this shouldn't take more than five rounds"
She seemed okay with it, so I ran to the other TV across the room. Now, I get a little
excited when I watch boxing and this was a bloody mess of a fight and I kind of forgot
what a gentle soul my companion is, and when I start yelling:
"he's cut his eye wide open!!!"
"A big hunk of meat is hanging out!!!"
"look at all that blood!!!"
I never imagined that it wouldn't excite her like it does me. Then she gives me this look
that seems to say " you like this stuff? you're sick" I then try to cover by saying things like:
"it's beautiful in it's brutality"
and
" can't you see the savage beauty"
but it didn't work, she still thinks I'm sick.

2003-06-24T08:41:00.000-04:00

Poems

I'm making a new page where I can publish works that are not fit for this page. Poetry.
prose. stream of consciousness. I'll put the link in later today, if you have any works you
would like to appear on the new page send them to mysd13@yahoo.com

2003-06-24T01:37:00.000-04:00

obsessive compulsive disorder

Everyone I know claims to have O.C.D.

Everyone.....

I have a news flash! That's kind of something that needs to be determined by a
professional therapist. You can't self-diagnose something like that.

Still not convinced? Okay, what makes you think you have these disorders?

Well MC, I have to keep things extremely clean. Everything has to be neat and tidy.

Oh...well that’s different...how many times do you wash your hands in a day?

Um I'm not sure...five maybe...before every meal and after I go to the
bathroom.

Let me get this straight...you pick up after yourself and wash your hands when
appropriate...ooooh get out the straight jacket, you're a nutjob

Still not convinced, well I took the liberty of collecting some info a working up a "self-
test"

Diagnostic Criteria
A pervasive pattern of preoccupation with orderliness, perfectionism, and mental and
interpersonal control, at the expense of flexibility, openness, and efficiency, beginning by
early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by four (or more) of the
following:

1.is preoccupied with details, rules, lists, order, organization, or schedules to the extent
that the major point of the activity is lost

2.shows perfectionism that interferes with task completion (e.g., is unable to complete a
project because his or her own overly strict standards are not met)

3.is excessively devoted to work and productivity to the exclusion of leisure activities and
friendships (not accounted for by obvious economic necessity)

4.is overconscientious, scrupulous, and inflexible about matters of morality, ethics, or
values (not accounted for by cultural or religious identification)

5.is unable to discard worn-out or worthless objects even when they have no sentimental value

6.is reluctant to delegate tasks or to work with others unless they submit to exactly his or her way of doing things

7.adopts a miserly spending style toward both self and others; money is viewed as
something to be hoarded for future catastrophes

8.shows rigidity and stubbornness

Is this you?

I didn't think so

2003-06-22T20:22:00.000-04:00

Boxing Photo

Lots of people wanted to see the cut above Vitali Klitschko's eye I talked about a couple day ago so Click Here

2003-06-22T19:45:00.000-04:00

The Hulk

Okay, enough with the comic book rip-offs. This whole new directions that movies are going is like high school...fun while it lasted but we'll all be glad when it's over.

Batman and the following sequels were great and Spider-Man was inspired filmmaking but that is where it ends. Daredevil was almost as bad as the Matrix, and Vin Diesel as the Silver Surfer? Hollywood has too much money.

I'm going to say it and you will "pretend to disagree" but I know your heart and its desires.... okay everyone ready? Here Goes:

The Hulk CGI Looks Like crap. There I said it, someone has to.
If you want realistic Computer Generated Images I know a guy.... his name is George Lucas and he has a little company out on ranch in California please get in touch with him.
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2003-06-18T13:18:00.001-04:00

The Car

The next town over there is this old junked out Cadillac El Dorado that has been sitting on the side of the highway for like six years. Instead of moving the car it's owner decided to put every trinket and piece of junk he can find on the hood and sell it all for a quarter. Like some hypnotic beacon that draws me nie, I cannot drive past without making at least one purchase. Two years ago I dated a girl from that town and every time I picked her up for a date I had to stop and throw two bits into the coffee can and make a selection. She grew very impatient with this after about the fourth month, and my love affair with that car was truly the downfall of our relationship...that, and she forgot my birthday.
Recently I went by and took my camera along.... I found a mint condition fifth grade science book circa 1974, not a treasure you can find just anywhere.

I also threw in some pics of me, and a pic of my family at my parent’s 25th anniversary party. I made the files big so you can see detail, if your “dialing up” click the link then go make some coffee, if you are not a caveman and have high speed, take this opportunity to feel superior to others.
Click Here For Art

2003-06-17T13:56:00.000-04:00

Why Not?

I work in a clinic. When it comes to "status" on the ladder of medical professionals, I fall somewhere near the bottom. So Gabby the PA (Physicians Assistant, i.e. somewhere near the top) tells me you don't need a degree to get into medical school; all you need is a good score on the MCAT (medical college admissions test) and a solid interview. So like any computer geek I go online to find information about this test.

Now after gathering this info I don't think "test" is the proper word to describe it. You know that part in Dante's Inferno where he talks about the fourth layer of hell...it's kinda like that only with a time limit and no calculators. Alas, my six-hour-old ship of dreams was dashed on the rocks of reality.

2003-06-15T13:19:00.000-04:00

email

After my post yesterday my in box (mysd13@yahoo.com) exploded. I was wrong to assume people know about horse racing, and lots of people had lots of questions regarding Funny Cide and horse racing. So here goes.

Every year starting in May horse racing holds it's "Triple Crown". This is a series of three races the "Kentucky Derby", the "Preakness" and the "Belmont". Only Three-year-old horses are allowed in the running of these races. You can enter a horse at any time, i.e. you can choose not to run in the Kentucky Derby if you feel your chances would be better in one of the other races. "Funny Cide" (the winner of two legs of the triple crown) is a gelding, meaning a castrated horse. This was done to calm his unruly attitude and without this procedure he would have been useless as a racehorse. Not all horses need this done but some just can't be controlled any other way. The drawback is that he cannot stand "stud" or be used for breeding after his retirement from racing. Some asked me why they don't clone "Funny Cide" and sell he clones as racers. The Jockey Club (racing's governing body) has strict rules stating that viable horses have to be conceived by a "live cover" or for a lack of a better term "the devils deed" wink* wink* Other racing factions like harness racing and quarter horse racing allow for artificial insemination but thoroughbreds are too valuable to pollute the genetic pool in such a manner.

I hope this answers your questions

2003-06-14T14:25:00.000-04:00

It's been a while

I didn't think anyone still reads this thing. But they do, my fans however few in number are rabid in their devotion. So I will try to exhume the old bones of this and start anew. Enjoy, it might take awhile for me to scrape the mold off my blog so bare with me.

While I Was Gone

* I found a house to live in *
* The next day got transferred to Chicago for work *
* Funny Cide won the 129th running of the Kentucky Derby (paying $27 for a $2 win ticket, I went with "Indian Express" who finished a dismal 8th) *
* Matrix still sucks *
* took my pets to the vet *
* Tried an all tuna and citrus diet..( that lasted for six hours) *
* almost died for an experience with organic soy yogurt *
* bought pants *
* made a crank call to my friend "SANCHEZ" *
* was made an honorary member of a lesbian biker gang as the token straight guy*
* Funny Cide wins the 128th running of the Preakness Stakes ( this time paying $5.80 on a 2$ win ticket, I chose to wager on "Midway Road" who was blown away like he was standing still.)
* Matrix is surpassed at the box office by "Finding Nemo" and "2Fast 2Furious"
MC Newman then smiles smugly *
* saw on CNN that a woman in NYC just got a million dollar book deal from her blog that is boring and full of grammatical errors, MC Newman then wept quietly to himself*
* watched the Princess Diaries for the tenth time *
* Funny Cide is beaten like an egg at the 135th running of the Belmont after MC Newman placed a sizable wager on him *
* had a sack of white castles at 4 A.M. *

It's good to be back.

2003-05-04T22:04:00.000-04:00
Trade Secrets

Chapter One "how to skate on other peoples dime"

I love to get things for free, and some companies are breaking their necks to give it to me.
Now I refuse to do this by false complaints and anything but high moral behavior so if you
are a "send back the steak and they'll give it to you for free" person stop reading.

Let the Lesson Begin:

When large companies set their budgets for the year they are divided into three parts:
(1) Distribution
(2) Advertisement & Expansion
(3) Legal Dept.

Under the umbrella of AD & expansion is something called "Customer Rewards" or
freebies as it were. and depending on the wealth of the company that department could be
worth millions of dollars. The trick is tapping into that. The equations go like this: the
more the AD budget the more "customer rewards" the will have. Hardee's Ad’s run all day
long to the point that they make you sick. The tone of those Ad’s has been "like me please
like me!" So of course I need to exploit this. I drove by Hardee's and ordered a small soda
at the drive-thru my total came to 87 cents. While the lady is fixing my drink I quickly
look for the customer service phone number and punch it in my cell phone, it will be on a
sticker on the window somewhere. When the woman gives you your change..be sure you
catch the name on her name tag. Dial the number and when you speak to the operator give
a glowing review of the services. They will ask for your server's name this will verify that
you were actually at the restaurant. After they get your personal info they will send you coupons for
free food.

2003-04-29T18:21:00.000-04:00
Questions

MC what sre some of your favortie websites to visit?

Good Question check these out:
Find A Grave
Dawson's Creek
Smoking Gun

2003-04-27T21:41:00.000-04:00
++New Feature if a word appears in "Blue" click on it and wait for the treat

I bought a new suit

I'm a classy guy, I go classy places, I do classy things, I know classy people, but when I'm
in an "up-scale" store, the people that work there don't think I belong.

I went to Godiva Chocolate to buy
Jennifer a birthday present, as I'm in line to make my purchases one of the "godiva
Representatives" came up and said;

"sir, can I help you?"

Now, what she wanted to say was;

"sir, we don't sell gum."

The last time I bought a suit, I went to an old tyme upscale haberdasher here in town to
buy a white linen Panama suit and hat. The guy that worked there was so bored with my
wants and needs. He did no tailoring and rushed me out in a hurry. The suit "kind of" fit,
but not like a nice suit should. So when the time came last week to buy a suit I figured that
I have had it with being treated that way. So, I went to the K-Mart of suit stores
Men's Warehouse.

As soon as I hit the door I became P Diddy himself. "Larry" my fashion consultant was at my beck
and call for the next hour and a half. He helped me on and off with jackets, buttoned the
buttons for me, got me a cup of coffee, kept calling me Mr. Newman although he's 45
years my senior, and put shoes on and off my “just off the golf course feet” with a shoe
horn. I got to say things like;

"you know Larry, I would like to see something in a Blue Pinstripe"

and then boom like manna from heaven there are six suits right there in my private
dressing room. I had no intention on buying a blue suit I just wanted him to get them for
me.

The moral of the story is if you're having a bad day...go to Men's Warehouse and talk to
Larry.

2003-04-27T21:11:00.000-04:00
The Real Cancun

I'm an attention whore. I would do anything to be famous...anything. But, don't you think
before you sign up to make a "documentary" about your trip to Spring Break you would
take a minute and say to your self;

"What are the consequences of my actions? How can this come back to haunt me later?
What are my parents going to say? If I'm so friggin talented why don't I pass on this film
and wait for one with a script?"

I went on spring break with a couple buddies from my broadcasting class....we brought a
camera to record the festivities, but we knew when to leave the stupid thing in the case.
And if in the outside chance anything made it on film that didn't portray us in the best light
that beta tape would have been throw off the James Taylor bridge.

Travis at Guy In A Suit is right
if you go to this movie you're dead to me as well.

2003-04-26T22:29:00.000-04:00
How can I make it up to you?Click Here for new pics!

I'm, sorry guys April has just been a bad month for finding time for posting. Let's catch up.

Jennifer met David Cassidy and got his autograph for me.-

I changed jobs at work once again.-

Our downstairs neighbors hate Jennifer. Bringing the total of people in our building that like her to 0-

Taxes-

Dawson’s Creek 4 episodes a day!click here

Bought the Beastie Boy's ill communication CD from Chris Whiting at CD Warehouse for eight bucks-

Changed banks

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Rednecks will kill us in our sleep

I admit it the people downstairs are annoying. They have like eight people living in that apartment. There is always a herd of small children running around yelling, screaming and leaning on cars (no, that's not slang, they go over to a car and lean on it, and mind you these ain't always their parent's cars) They have never been observed leaning on GARY the sexiest Blazer in the world...if they had this post would be coming to you fromSan Quentin. They are all noisy, but the kicker is that it's never the same kids twice and it's impossible to tell what kids go with what parents. I said they were noisy right? Well, who can guess what Jennifer does twice a day?? Yes, that's right the "Noise Nazi" marches down there to make them keep it down thus, making them hate her. To make things worse the other day, the Manager of the complex who is also named Jennifer was doing her daily walk through when she spots one of the gaggle of children (a four year old boy) playing unsupervised in 40degree weather in a T-shirt, undies, and socks. She then does the responsible thing, and calls Family Services Department. Now when all this gets back to the "Clampets" downstairs they figure the Jennifer that called was MY Jennifer. So to make a long story short Rednecks Will Kill Us In Our Sleep.
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++New Feature++ If a word appers in "Blue" here at MYSD 2 Just click on it for special treat

2003-04-02T12:18:00.000-05:00

Kool-Aid

I made some kool-aid this morning, and if I do say so myself it's the best kool-aid ever.

Kool-Aid, however tasty, it a terrible idea.
Board Meeting Kraft Foods International circa 1964

CEO: Okay does anyone have any new business?
Guy From Research and development: I do sir!
CEO:Go right ahead
Guy From Research and development: Ahemm...we at the R and D dept. have
been working on this great new drink mix. It has twice the sugar of anything else known to
man and....here is the kicker....it has the staining power of fabric dye.
CEO: Sound interesting, do you have a planned demographic?
Guy From Research and development: Sure do! Our studies show the age group
that isn't prone to spilling things and could benefit from a large dose of sugar is children
5-10.
CEO: Do you have a spokesperson?
Guy From Research and development: We've narrowed it down to two.....Bea
Aurther, or this cartoon of a big fat guy with a pitcher of "super wacky don't spill elixir"
(note** that's a little known working title) for a head and small children would drink the
contents of his head...right out of his head.....trippy right! We know.
CEO: I'll sign off on that...get to work boys....this is going to be big.

annnnnnnnnnnnnd Scene!
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------

2003-04-01T12:55:00.000-05:00
Theater Of The Living

Every time I turn the key to "the sexiest Chevy Blazer in the world" I break the law. I've
been driving on expired tags for about two months. I finally decided to take care of this a
couple of days ago. Little did I know what I was getting into.

Upon arriving at the DMV I see a long, long line. about four hundred yards long. As I
stepped to the end to wait my turn I had no idea I had stepped center stage in Satan’s
community theater.

Cast Of Characters

Old Guy
This guy can barely stand let alone drive, he has but one job in this little show...to be old.

Rich Soccer Mom
Until this morning this woman had no idea that cars had tags, and that they expire. Also
she thinks she can pay with a cheque.

Stupid Sweater Lady
She always wears holiday apropiate sweaters i.e. pumpkins for Halloween, eggs for
Easter, guillotines for Bastille day. Also she wants to make friends with every one in line.

Read everything out loud guy
To this guy every sign, poster, card or letter is a chance to brush up on his reading...out
loud.

Guy Who Never Pays Attention to When The Line Moves
The line moves about twenty feet in front of him....but he can't see it. Then, he has the
audacity too look suprised every time he looks up at the gap between himself and the next
person in line....like he didn't know the line would move.

So I'm stuck with these people, when just then a historical place placard (which my town
has many) is within view out the window:

Read Out Loud Guy (ROLG):...on this date in 1812 Hon. Henry Clay held a debate for
sixteen days over Christian baptism on this spot

Sweater Lady (SL): What could they talk about for sixteen days?

Soccer Mom (SM): My son goes to Henry Clay high school-

awkward pause

Old Guy (OG): That's nothin' I remember Senator Strom Thurmond once spoke for 24
hours straight on the senate floor.

MC Newman: (doing my best old guy impression) You know what sucks? There
aren’t any blacksmiths anymore.

Awkward pause

Sweater Lady (SL): What could he talk about for twenty-four hours?

Guy Who Never Pays Attention to When The Line Moves (GWNPATWTLM): It must
have been important.

Sweater Lady (SL): I'll say...

MC Newman:(Visibly angered and annoyed) That tactic is called a "Filibuster"
when a proposed bill goes to the Senate Floor to be voted on it only has so long before
they have to move on to the next one. It's like expiration dates on milk....now this is key,
pay attention, a Senator can speak for as long as he wants to without yielding the speaking
floor...are you with me? The Senator took the floor and refused to stop speaking until the
"expiration date" on that bill came and went, thus preventing a vote on it...it's just like
milk.

Soccer Mom (SM): My son likes whole milk...I like skim.

MC Newman: I hate all of you......

2003-03-23T15:29:00.000-05:00
Kids have no respect

Jennifer and I were at the market picking up a few items, when I look down the aisle where I see a fat kid leaning over like he's about to spit on the ground. I think to my self "there is now way he is going to spit right here in Publix" then sure enough he did! Right there on the floor! So I yell "You, yeah you...Did you just spit on the ground?" Then he has the audacity to say, "I didn't mean too” if I didn't think he had a 400lbs. father with him I would have put him over my knee.

Then the next day I was in the same store picking up the items we had forgot when I see a 10-15 month old baby alone in a shopping cart. As I passed I said Hello unattended baby! Just then the baby's mother (all of 17 years old) said "I was right here *expletive deleted* don't worry about my *expletive deleted* kid!" I then said "She needs to be in a carrier you can get one pretty cheap at the health department" to which she made a few comment about my mom and her profession.

I'm never going to the store again.

NEW PICS Click Here

2003-03-20T17:36:00.001-05:00
The Fridge at Work

At work there is a commissary; And for about eleven dollars you can have a cold
cheeseburger and some 10w-40 tater tots. So, most of us bring our Lunches and store
them in the office "mini-fridge" so they don't spoil. There have been many food related
thefts in the past months. Being a victim of these crimes myself I've been keeping a log so
I can solve these mysteries. I'm not a trained detective but I did watch fifteen min. of Nash
Bridges once:

Case # 265736 MC and the Giant Peach
Date: March 12, 2003
Victim: MC Newman
At times the area around my desk can reach temperatures hot enough to melt lead, and
from time to time I need a cold beverage. I purchased an ice cold "Fruit works Peach" and
placed it in our fridge for consumption at a later date. this is where I start "inferring"
what happened from my own CSI-style investigation Two disgruntled co-workers had
just had enough of freezing in my cold cold shadow, longing to work with the precision
and skill at which I do...hoping for and dreaming of the day I leave for the corporate main
office so I might rule them like a tyrant from afar, broke into the fridge and stole my
delicious fruitworks peach. Trust me vengeance will be swift.
Suspects: none

Case # 375638 The Mean Qusine
Date: Feb. 11, 2002
Victim: Marcus L.
Marcus placed his "lean quisne" Chicken Alfrado Pasta into the fridge at 0600 hours, by
1100 hours that same day it was gone without a trace. After examining the crime scene I
came to the conclusion that who ever stole his lunch must not have taste buds. Eating one
of those meals can induce vomiting faster than a Celine Dion high note. I then rounded up
all my co-workers without working taste buds only to find out we didn’t have any.
Suspects: none

Case #27436327 & #8373252 Repeat Offender
Date: Jan-Mar 2003
Victim: Leslye J.
NO matter what Leslye put in the fridge, it gets stolen. Someone must have it out for her,
everything from "Drumstick" ice cream bars to cottage cheese has been taken from this
woman. After something of hers is taken from the fridge she is known to address the
whole office by shouting things like:

Did you bring cottage cheese? Then what made you think you could eat
cottage cheese?

Suspects: none

Sadly these cases remain unsolved if you have any clue to who the guilty parties are please
email me at mysd13@yahoo.com
Do not try to apprehend them yourself they may be very very fat

2003-03-16T19:39:00.000-05:00

Click Here To See Our Long Awaited First Pictures!

Thanks to Kim and Travis @ Guyinasuit.com for letting me pirate their html, and here is a special treat for Travis

2003-03-12T19:09:00.000-05:00
Feedback

Travis Meacham has taken issue with my opinions of movies. He has called on his loyal
readers to email me and list the merits of "The Matrix" and Lord of The Rings" two
movies that should have never been made. Here is one email I enjoyed:

From the Desk Of Mike Pajato:

Travis over at Guyinasuit.com told us to email you regarding your movie
reviews.

PREACH ON, BROTHER! What the were they thinking when they
made
Lord Of The Rings?! It was over three hours of the most self-indulgent
drivel I've ever had to stay awake through. I do have one disagreement
however: you tell the LOTR fans to get girlfriends. Bad idea. The LAST
thing we want is for these people to reproduce.

Thanks for the letter Mike!

The Joys a Co-habitation

When I was a single guy I had to cook all my own meals (okay, White Castle had to cook
my meals) and I had to do my own laundry (okay, I sent my laundry out to be done) but a
roll of toilet paper would last for six months and the toilet never overflowed.

CUE Story

I was pondering what to do today's article about. So I went to the room I do my best
thinking. While sitting on the lue I remember Jennifer telling me not to um...uh...make any
"deposits" until marty the maintenance guy came to fix the toilet, she said it had been
clogging all day. I won't go into detail by I've made a diet change to combat high blood
pressure and my "excretions" will be featured on an upcoming episode of Fear
Factor and need to be flushed quickly before greenpeace finds them and traces it back
to me. So I figured she was just being hysterical as usual so I flushed with confidence. The
water rose like the mighty Rio Grande spilling about two gallons of water on the floor.
Subject Break
From my work as an Emergency Medical Tech. I have learned how to stay calm in any
situation from boat fires to massive heart attacks nothing really excites me. But in this
instance I just panicked.
End of Break

Seeing that this is a bigger mess than I expected I did something stupid. I began to think
that if I flushed again the pressure of the water would push the blockage on down the
pipe. It didn't. All it did was spill an additional seven gallons of water on the floor. My trio
of cats assembled at the doorway to watch all looked at me as if to say "she is going to kill
you, when she gets home from work"
I explained to them in no uncertain terms that I pay for this house the water in this toilet
and their food so if battle lines are drawn they better think long and hard about
where their loyalties are. After scolding those ungrateful S.O.B's I went to work plunging
the clog. This was easy enough but there was still about and inch of water on the floor so I
went to the Lenin closet (that's not a typo I keep a poster of Vladimer Lenin in that closet)
to gather all our towels after sopping up all the water I remembered that my poop was
floating in that water. I felt the overwhelming need to shower

2003-03-08T12:16:00.000-05:00
You people are easily led

Just because someone tells you something is the "greatest thing ever" you don't have to believe them.

These two movies are awful:

1.The Matrix
2. Lord of the Rings

Let's do the breakdown:

The Matrix

Quite possible the worst movie ever. This is the formula: Bad Acting + Worse Script + Trite special effects that you pass off as "cutting edge". Face it; I saw better effects on Scott Bacula's Quantum Leap and Disney's Flight of The Navigator.

Don't lie to yourself you didn't get it either. No one can tell me what the movie is about. I hand out pamphlets at work about prostate cancer that were longer than this script. If anyone can write me a "real" plot synopsis of this theatrical piece of poo I will honor you with the making your picture the first posted on MYSD with the caption "World Best Moviegoer"

Send your summaries to mysd13@yahoo.com

Lord Of The Rings

They only reason you people think this movie is good, is because you're Dungeon Masters told you that it was. Hey, after the movie maybe we can play. "Everquest" for twelve days straight My magical ogre can beat your level twelve Tree Gnome of Ra Nog! No way my Tree moss deflector is all-powerful! I'm almost done with my Warhammer Army! Only twelve more raven wing land speeders left to paint!

Go Get Girlfriends, please.

2003-03-05T19:13:00.000-05:00
Actual Conversation

Me: I think Robert Blake can beat this murder trial.
Girl at work: Who?
Me: Robert Blake.
Girl at work: Does he work in HR?
Me: No, he was Baretta on TV.
Girl at work: Who is Baretta?
Me: Long story.
Girl at work: you're weird

I bought a copy of Young Black Teenagers from an ol' buddy at the world greatest CD
store (the name of which I can't remember, but it's on campus next to the new Papa
John’s) and I just thought all you monkeys would like to know that. So big thanks to
Chris Whiting the Albino Assassin for knowing how to work the register.

I'm all over the place today

This is the fourth subject in one post, but until I go corporate on all of your noggins you'll
just have to deal.

If I were a Heavy-weight boxer my Nickname would be "Professor Armageddon”. I
would wear Royal Blue trunks with Gold trim and instead of a robe I would wear a towel
with a hole in it a la Mike Tyson. Speaking of Iron Mike my first press conference would
include but is not limited to the following statement:

"Professor Armageddon is the new baddest man on the planet, and if Mike Tyson has
a problem I'll eat his children"

Last Subject of the Day

My house smells like cat pee so I've made a decision. No more water for the cats until
they learn respect for other peoples things.

2003-03-02T13:26:00.000-05:00

I have a personal nurse

My lil' woman is a senior Nursing student. Her friends and family call all the time for
medical advice. She talks a good game.

Late last night I woke at 3:15AM with a massive nose hemorrhage, (nose bleed) I jumped
up and pinched my nose closed so I didn't soak the sheets in blood. This Genius I
live with, and all her knowledge of medicine, said to me:

"go to the bathroom, and pinch your nose closed with toilet paper"

So I said,

" Oh! What a great idea. I thought I was just going to lie back down and bleed
myself back to sleep..."

2003-02-22T17:05:00.000-05:00
I don't have much energy today but I'm thinking about getting a tattoo like mike tyson.

2003-02-21T12:58:00.000-05:00
Visit my "lady Friend's page" @ www.eccosmith.blogspot.com

2003-02-21T11:35:00.000-05:00
I started something and it just kept growing

As much as I loved doing the orginal site "Maybe You Should Drive" It has outgrown it's borders and has spawned offspring. Here is a list of the new features you'll find in the comming days:

1. Captian K's Quote of the day
2. Photos
3. Sharp New Look
4. 5 new postings every week

If you are in the Lexington/ Fayette area contact us @ mysd13@yahoo.com for your invite to the Launch Party Monday Feb. 24 2003