Just Call Me Job
I'm pretty bright. I pick up on things really quickly. It all gets short circuited when I don't think things through.
Last night I was to return to Normal, Illinois:
6:00PM bids farewell to mother and dog gets into Gary "the worlds sexiest Chevy Blazer" and heads north.
6:25PM wonders if stopping at an AMT is a good idea since no cash is on hand.
6:27PM thinks better of it, stopping only wastes time, and all gas stations accept plastic.
7:19PM exits state of Kentucky
7:40PM stops in Milan, Indiana for gas, card declined at pump.
7:41PM blames declination of card on "backwards hick town gas pumps"
7:44PM remembers ten dollar bill in overnight bag.
7:48PM purchases ten dollars worth of gas
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9:20PM arrives in Indianapolis, Indiana and notices depletion of fuel, stops at service station confident card will work.
9:22PM card is declined
9:23PM thinks quietly to self about writing a check.
9:26PM is told by cashier out of town checks are not permitted
9:27PM attempts to persuade her with phrases like "come on" and "just this once"
9:28PM fails to charm Patty "Queen of the Petrol", leaves dejected.
9:29PM thinks about how this problem can be fixed.
9:40 decides to step back from the problem of no gas/ no money and walks around discount superstore to stimulate an idea
10:10PM drives on empty to six gas stations hoping one will accept a check from Kentucky.
10:55PM all attempts fail.
11:00PM calls parents for help.
11:16PM is instructed to find a Western Union
11:38PM finds Western Union
11:39PM finds out Western Union has closed nine minuets ago.
11:49PM is told by parents that they will come to the rescue and can be there in two and a half hours.
11:50PM tells parents no, really wants to tell them yes.
12:13AM parks at service station which is now closed, climbs in back seat, tries to sleep.
12:56AM woke by police officer who offers reminder that Vagrancy is a crime in Indiana.
2:50AM thinks that the 1-800 on the back of the card might be of some help
2:53AM is informed by condescending robot voice that these are not regular business hours.
3:15AM calls number again out of boredom.
3:19AM gets same response this time with a robot giggle at the end.
4:02AM performs entire dialogue from Star Wars Episode Four: A New Hope.
4:50 takes a bow
5:37AM night gives way to the friskalating Dawn light.
5:53AM mother calls to check on her brave little fireman.
6:01AM the customer service "regular business day" begins.
6:06AM speaks with Daren, customer service representative, explains problem.
6:07AM hears Daren make six keystrokes and then say "okay. You’re all set. You can use your card now"
6:07AM upon hearing how easy that was, almost strokes out.
6:08 pools enough strength to say, "thank you" instead of other phrases that end in "you"
6:10 fills up tank
6:19 buys everyone in the store the soft drink of their choice
6:28 begins 200 mile trek to apartment.
10:15AM Arrives in Bloomington-Normal.
10:25AM Showers, puts on "work clothes".
10:33AM Staggers into work.
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Lets do the math:
Optimal results.
Total trip:
359 miles
At average speed of 70mph. = around five and one half hours.
My results:
Total trip:
359 miles / 17 hours = around 21 miles an hour.
I'm worn out...please send cookies.
Also, thanks mom and dad.
As Promised
I promised a couple of people I would go public with these...
Mike Tyson's Psychological Evaluation
and the events of William Shatners wifes death:
Nerine Kidd / Mrs. William Shatner
Nerine and William had met in 1994, on the set of Kung Fu - The Legend Continues. Tell me it wasn't doomed from the start. They were married in November of 1997, with Leonard Nimoy as best man. Their wedding was postponed because Nerine had been busted for drunk driving.
It sounds like their marriage was turbulent, at best. A month before their first anniversary, William filed for divorce, and asked the judge not to award alimony. After that, Nerine checked into the Betty Ford clinic. She didn't respond to the lawsuit - and it went no further. They had reconciled in recent months.
Alcohol continued to plague the relationship.
On May 31st, Nerine checked in to detox at St. John's Health Center, in Santa Monica. She was in room 482. It sounds like she had been on a marathon drinking session over Memorial Day. Shatner gave her an ultimatum. Give it up, or give us up.
He allegedly demanded a divorce from his troubled wife, the night before she drowned.
The story I've managed to glean from the papers is that Shatner arrived at their Studio City home around 10:15 p.m. on Monday August 9th, 1999. He and his wife lived on Berry Drive, at number 3674. He found Nerine naked and motionless at the bottom of their swimming pool. He freaks and calls 911. Here's the transcript:
"Oh my God!" Shatner yells to the dispatcher.
"What's your problem there, sir?" the dispatcher replies.
Shatner: "My wife's at the bottom of the pool!"
Dispatcher: "OK, did you get her out of the pool yet, sir?"
Shatner: "No, not yet."
Dispatcher: "I want you to take her out of the pool right now."
Shatner: She's at the very deep end!
Dispatcher: "Ok sir. If you can, grab something and get her out of the pool. Sir. Sir. Right away, get your wife out of the pool."
Shatner: "Ok."
Dispatcher: "Don't hang up the phone. (Shatner hangs up.) Hello?"
Shatner later reported to the police that he jumped into the sky blue mosaic tiled pool, and pulled his wife up on the deck, but was unable to revive her. He was criticized later for not immediately getting her out of the pool, but calling 911 instead. Since he hosted the popular television show Rescue 911 for many years, people expected more from him. My guess is that he was paid to read a script in front of a camera - he didn't need to pay attention to what the show was about. That's my guess.
At 10:30pm, paramedics arrived at the house. They found Mrs. Shatner on the side of the pool. They attempted to resuscitate her, but were unsuccessful. She was 40 years old.
Friends and relatives were shocked, especially because Nerine was a strong swimmer.
The next day, Shatner held a press conference in his driveway. "My beautiful wife is dead. She meant everything to me. He laughter, her tears and her joy will remain with me the rest of my life."
An autopsy was performed on Wednesday. There were no signs of trauma to her body and no evidence that her death was a suicide or foul play.
A very weird aside story - at about 2 a.m. on Wednesday morning, a reporter from The Star, a tabloid newspaper, was nosing around the property. He tried to get an interview with police at the scene, and they weren't cooperating. He gets in a hissy, and STABS a policeman with a ballpoint pen TWICE in his right hand. Very bizarre. The reporter was arrested - but released on bail. He was charged with one count of battery on a police officer causing injury, a felony that carries a maximum three-year prison sentence.
!
Easy Bake Coven
Mica B. and I were running around yesterday. We went to the thrift store where I bought a wicked cool t-shirt from the Citadel, and a necklace. Then we went to the mall, a monument to consumerism in its most grotesque form. When we saw a new kiosk had been place near the cookie stand. As we got closer we saw it was one of those cheesy magic shops. Now if you know me, you KNOW how I feel about magic. Unless you're David Blaine(who obviously sold his soul to the devil in exchange for becoming the pimpist magician ever) don't do magic, you look like a fruit. It's stupid, and a waist of my time. This Goth chick that works there sees us approach and before we could flee said:
"Hey, have you seen this?"
Now, in her hand she is moving a glowing red dot back and forth from hand to hand and then making it disappear. I, obviously uninterested start to look away; and then she implores again:
"Have you seen this?"
I said,
"What? A red LED light, I've got one on my key chain"
Annoyed she then replied,
"No, it's magic"
Mica chimed in with,
"It’s amazing what you can do with a pocket these days"
At this point she realizes that we're not going to pay fourteen bucks for something we could get for eighteen cents at Radio Shack. Goth Chicks are so cute.
Blue grass
I've finished week Numero Three in Normal, Illinois. I know I haven't been posting much but I'm sure you understand.
Bleeding from the ears
This young lady came into the clinic yesterday for some treatment. When it's an acute injury I always like to have someone else take a look at it so I don't miss something.
The only person available was Captain K, so I go to his office to review her chart with him, when I noticed that she was formerly employed by the good people at Steak N' Shake. We ran to the exam room and began grilling her about the chili and its origins. The conversation went like this:
MC: did you make the chili?
Cap'n: What's in it?
MC: How much do you make at a time?
Cap'n: Do you keep it a couple of days or is it a fresh batch each time?
*He then looks down at the paperwork and without breaking stride said, *
Cap'n: so, you're bleeding from the ears?
Jo Lo
Don't know to the words to J Lo's waiting for tonite? Visit My Poem Page to learn more
Rhymes For The House
The Altitude Must Be Getting To Me...
Answers to questions
MC? I saw your Kurt Warner Pic's are you connected with any other "celebs"? Karen Patterson- St. Lawrence, Minnesota
Karen, that all depends on your definition of celebrity. I recently met John Ritter he really didn't like me, but I liked him.
The only famous people from Lexington are Jim Varney
and The Macho Man Randy savage neither of whom I have met. My girlfriend kind of resembles Katherine Hepburn does that count?
Illinois so far...
Captain K and I were looking for a fresh start. Holding ground in these lawless times just got harder and harder, so we traveled west to find our fortunes.
When we arrived out west we were reunited with our old friend from Georgia "Doc". Doc has suffered from Tuberculosis and he thought that the dry climate would ease his suffering. After settling in, we noticed that the problems of the East had followed us and that this sleepy little town needed some order restored. So we swore in as deputies and had a couple of run-ins with this gang of outlaws called the "Cowboys"....
No, that's not right. That's the plot from the movie "Tombstone"
Um there was a tornado that was pretty exciting.
Later,
MC
Tornado Alley McBeal
Today at lunch time the weather was warm and sunny, without a cloud in the sky. Then the afternoon turned ugly. The sky darkened and the wind howled the radio interrupted its schedule of the finest soft rock hits of the eighties to make an announcement. The deejay warned the residents of McLean County to take shelter immediately, because a tornado was quickly approaching.
“That must suck for McLean County,” I said after the announcement concluded.
“You’re in McLean County,” said a voice from the clinic.
I turned a quick eye to Captain K to see if it was true, it was. The good Captain and I are both Kentucky natives, and weather like this does not happen, ever. The locals explained that they see this kind of storm constantly from March to October and that we shouldn’t be worried. Then the lights in the plant flickered and a siren sounded followed by a voice speaking first in English then Japanese telling us to move to our designated shelter. I looked at my watch saw it was quitting’ time and resolved myself to ride it out at home in front of the TV. Before I could gather my things and leave I was told by a fellow clinician, that during emergency procedures the plant locks down and nobody can get in or out. Upon hearing this I was thrown into a primal state of panic. I quickly devised a plan where Cap’n and I would commandeer the two “milestone” cars in the lobby (The milestone cars are the first “Eclipse” produced and the one millionth “Eclipse Spyder”) The plan went like this: I would take the wheel of the original Eclipse and crash it through the window of the lobby, Cap’n would follow through the hole in the wall driving Spyder.
After this plan was devised I realized that the tornado was out there, why was I trying so hard to get outside? I decided that if it was going to kill me it would have to come get me inside the plant.
I’m glad to say that the “lock down” was lifted soon after, no one was hurt and no cars were stolen.
The only casualty was the Steak N’ Shake billboard on our street.
Vio Con Dios Brave Billboard,
MC
Scent and Scentablity
When people go missing they bring in dogs to locate them by scent. Everyone has their own unique "smell", they give an article of clothing worn by the missing person to a trained dog and he locates them trough the densest of foliage.
It always bothered me that I could smell other peoples scent, but not my own. I wondered if it was a repulsive smell.
Yesterday I packed up 'Gary" The worlds sexiest Chevy Blazer with all my belongings for the big move to Illinois. I went into my parents house for about a hour then went back out to get a compact disc so I could listen to something while I balanced my checkbook. When I opened the door to "Gary" I was overcome with this horrible "goaty" stench. I was on the lawn dry heaving and rolling on the grass. Then I thought...all that stuff is mine...that must be "my smell". I was horrified. I quickly ran inside and took a shower. I then learned that no shower despite the temperature or duration could ever make me feel clean again.
I smell,
MC
this was too funny to pass up
Sassmouth
I have nothing to say. Now I know what Hemingwaymust have felt like. I'm going back to Normal, Illinois tomorrow, that's something. Uh...what else?...um...nope, I got nothing.
Hemingway has these cats that run around his estate in Key West that have six toes on each paw. My friend Gabby and I have plans to steal one, I have my eye on an Orange Tabby named Pablo Picasso.
I first became interested in "Papa" after an excerpt from Islands in the Stream appeared in my tenth grade Lit. Book. He showed you could be intelligent, cultured, and artistic without sacrificing masculinity. At that time in my development popular opinion was you were either ignorant of everything and manly, or well rounded and a girl. It was cool not to know things.
I devoured every word the man jotted down. If he would have wrote something on a bar napkin (and I'm sure he did) I would have read it.
Here are my favorites
I'll have something to post about tomorrow...thanks for understanding.
The Weary Business Traveler
I'm back in the bluegrass state for the weekend.
Here is something you might not know:
Sixty percent of the visitors to this site are from the United Kingdom; I don't know why they just are. You know how David Hasselhoff is really popular in Germany, I'm that way in Great Britain. The royal family are also big fans, I get at least seven hits a day from "slave2camilla2987".
Night Grinder
I carry all my tension in my jaw. Grinding my teeth as I sleep is a good indication that I'm under a little stress. For the last two nights I've worn my right rear molar down to the nerve, and resorted to pray for the sweet release of death last night. I was told to get a Bite Guard but I can't stand those things in my mouth. When I played hockey I would roll up some scotch tape and put that in my mouth, from a distance the officials would see I had something plastic between my teeth and assume it was mouth protection. Another problem is that I'm a mouth breather when I sleep, so suffocation is a risk I'm not looking into. My only other reasonable option taking 1400 Milligrams ofVicodin twice daily.
Dr.'s please scan and email your prescriptions to mysd13@yahoo.com
Thanks,
MC
The Rule
Okay, you people have forced me to do this.
I have been forced to put the pen to the pad and document once and for all the rule that should go unsaid.
If you're in a relationship with someone you will learn to recognize the sound of their voice on the phone. And the longer you're together it becomes less and less necessary to state your name at the beginning of conversations. "It's me" is the easiest way to identify yourself.
Pay Attention Here, This Is Key
After the relationship ends and the two of you are no longer together, you forfeit your rights to say, "it's me" on telephones, answering machines and the like. You must identify yourself clearly. If the union dissolved less than six months ago you may use the first name only, if more than six months both first and last names are required. When you end a relationship you are no longer that persons' "me" and by all accounts that person might have a new "me" in their life.
Your immediate observance of this new law is imperative to our survival as a people
Normal, Illinois
So, I spent my first week in Normal. It's not bad, they have aSteak N' Shake on every other corner, and a zoo that took Captain K and I two days to find. They don't have a Starbuck's but I'm sure I can survive.
Cap'n and I were on the run most of the time and couldn't cook at home so we dined out most of the week, we ate the obligatory meals at Steak N' Shake but the other night we stumbled across a little Jewel, Diamond Dave's Taco Factory It's a little dive where really pretty, but heavily tattooed waitress' serve you moderately priced Mexican food and drink.
I figure by now you must be asking:
MC? Did anything happen up there that isn't food related?
My answer to you is, yes. On the First day of work I overheard a conversation between two ladies in the Physical Therapy department, they kept saying the name "Kurt Warner" I butted in and said:
"Kurt Warner? Quarterback for the St. Louis Rams, Kurt Warner?"
Then Robin the Occupational Therapist went on to tell me that she had dated the Super Bowl MVP in high school and had been his prom date.
"Lies...all lies,” I stated.
She then told me she would bring in photos of the prom in question...And I'm glad to report that she was telling the truth. Right there in living color was picture of a young Kurt Warner with his whole life, and forty-two million dollars in his future. I am pleased to tell you that I have placed this photo on the web for all to enjoy. Click Here
First Midwestern Post
I've arrived safely in America's heartland. They like their corn up here, and being from Kentucky makes me exotic to the locals. Other than that it's like Lexington. Work was good, it helps that it's exactly like my job back home. And my apartment is more than I could ever hoped for, there won't be much furniture until next week so the place looks huge for now. Going to bed was kinda hard last night because I was figuring out how long it will be until I see loved ones again. My morale dipped a little, but I was tired and sleep came soon. All was well this morning with the excitement my first day. Captain K (the only person I know within 350 miles) could tell I was a touch homesick, to comfort me he kept reminding me I have a six month commitment here. Thanks buddy.
Corn fo miles,
MC
New Feature
Please sign the "guestmap", the link is to your right.
Thanks,
MC
